- Before criticizing someone,
walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you will be a
mile away and have their shoes.
- If you ever drop your
keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
- To me, it's a good idea
to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if
anybody says, "Hey, can you Give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these
- The face of a child can
say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
- If a kid asks where rain
comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he
asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because
of something you did."
- If you ever catch on
fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what
REALLY throws you into a panic.
- Whenever I see an old
lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then
I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite
- To me, boxing is like
a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each
- I hope if dogs ever take
over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because
I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
- Maybe in order to understand
mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made
up of two separate words mank and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a
mystery and so is mankind.
- If you go flying back
through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's
probably best to avoid eye contact.
- It's easy to sit there
and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about
it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
- If you ever reach total
enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out
- As the light changed
from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about
life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it
seemed that way.
- I can picture in my mind
a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking
that world, because they'd never expect it.
- I hope some animal never
bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might
think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
- Whenever you read a good
book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which
is why I don't like to read good books.
- Instead of a trap door,
what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he
falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
- During the Middle Ages,
probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because
you were "just going around the corner."
- When I found the skull
in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious
about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why
he had deer horns.
- Sometimes I think you
have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what
your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out,
slam the door.
- If you're a cowboy and
you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad
if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
- Broken promises don't
upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
- Consider the daffodil.
And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
- For mad scientists who
keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar,
- I'd like to see a nature
film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe
he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the
ground. Now that's a documentary.
- I hope that after I die,
people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
- I wish I had a dollar
for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo! I'd have all my money
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